The CLASSIC NOOB CRASH! GOING WHERE YOU ARE LOOKING!

Enjoy the Duma$$ery of this little video. "Scooter Power!"

Now watch it again and let me break down the Duma$$ery for you.

NOOB ALERT #1:

As the first scooter comes around the corner, you can see that the guy is a total Noob. The scoot is wavering but at least he keeps it under control. Your first sign of possible trouble.

NOOB ALERT #2:

As we know, NOOBs often run in pairs. And sho nuff, here comes NOOB #2 taking the corner WIDE. Now you know there will be TROUBLE!

DUMA$$ BREAK-DOWN:

As the girl begins her turn, you can see that she is NOT looking where she SHOULD BE going.

A. It is important for scooter riders to turn their head and focus on where they are going. You can see she is turning the scooter like a car, very stiff, with no lean.

B. She is also not looking beyond her front wheel while turning. It is important that you scan ahead while riding to help you navigate properly.

C. Surprised by Yelling Scooterist, she does two things at once - she over-twists the throttle and Target Fixates.

(POINTS TO REMEMBER: In a 'PANIC" Situation. Just take your hand OFF THE THROTTLE AND SLOW DOWN!)

Okay - After she over twists the throttle she then falls into another noob mistake. TARGET FIXATION. She sees the object up ahead and panics.

From Wikipedia:

Target fixation..."in an avoidance scenario, the observer can become so fixated on the target that they will forget to take the necessary action to avoid it, thus colliding with the object.

This is a common issue for motorcyclists and mountain bikers. A motorcycle or bicycle will tend to go where the rider is looking; if the rider is overly focused on an obstacle, the cycle can collide with that object simply because of the rider's focus on it, even though the rider is ostensibly trying to avoid it."

DUMA$$ERY SUMMATION:

CRASH!

I rest my case.

HOW TO AVOID A CRASH LIKE THIS:

1. Look where you want the scooter to go. Turn your head and lean.

2. If you are startled or panic, take your hand off the throttle.

3. Focus on the area next to a Target, that is where you want to steer your scooter. This takes a bit of metal dexterity, but you can do it.

HOTT BUNS!

Does this huge helmet make my ass look small?

No those are not "Hot Pants" but my ass was hot when I sat down on the dang seat again! What is it about black bike seats that allow them to suck in and radiate the heat of class M sun, so when you sit down, you feel like Joan of Arc! HOLY GOD! MY ASS IS ON FIRE.

Luckily, it only lasts a few seconds until you start moving. But when you are caught in a traffic jam or at a long train, you are really screwed.

Because I am BORED -Two words - MONKEY BUTT!

Yep, Anti-Monkey Butt Powder

Also known as Swamp A$$, Bog Buttocks, Musty Melons, Burnt Biscuits, Down South Stank, Rural Rump, Hillbilly Henie, Jerky Junk, Wildebeest Wang, Diggler Dank, Rosebud Rust, Abhorrent Arse, Rump Rot, Fanny Funk, Elephant Effluvium, Haunch Halitosis, Putrid Posterior, Dorsal Disturbance, Hindquarter Hives, Posterior Plague, Motorcycle Mange... anyone else care to try? Go on, be creative.

When you ride in the heat of the summer and sweat is running, well everywhere! It is easy to contract this, this... annoyance.

While I have never really used ANTI-MB powder, I have noticed an embarrassingly NOTICEABLE amount of sweat in my NETHER REGION after riding in this extreme heat.. To the point where you look like you need some adult diapers.

For the ladies, all I can recommend is riding with a your favorite maxi pad or wad up some TP because it will happen.

I really don't know what the men do, maybe they don't sweat as much as I do. Can you believe that, I sweat more than some hairy bearded biker???!!! WHAT THE HECK!!! LIFE IS NOT FAIR! NO IT IS NOT!

I don't have testicles...so

I guess I just look like a nerd.

cartoon from 2strokebuzz.com

Jane! Get me off this Crazy Thing!

What you will look like if you stay on your scooter too long!

Riding Fatigue is unforgiving. You can work your way up to riding longer distances, that is the best way to go. I would never suggest that a NOOB start off with a 250 - 350 mile trip, but some of them do. If they do they must have a colon made of steel, a bladder the size of a cantaloupe and an a$$ made of what ever Kim Kardashians a$$ is made of.

If you have the time and can make plenty of stops, this is fine. But if you want to go across state in a cannon ball run, you iz CRAZY!

If you are taking a trip, you need to be aware of the symptoms of Riding Fatigue or DUH! WAKE UP NOOB!

• Slow reaction time (Passing up the local Big Boy)
• Reduced awareness/vigilance (I don't know if that guy driving the corvette next to me is hot or not)
• Driving slower than normal (I just read that entire billboard!)
• Being surprised by a passing car (What the heck? Was that a Yugo?)
• Tailgating (KEENKY2? Wha the.. Keen - KY2? OH KINKY2!.... PERVERT!)
• Not seeing deer or other road hazards (Oh, look Bambi! HOLY CRA...)
• Impaired memory (Wait, did I pack clean underware? Oh, no I am a MAN, I DON'T NEED UNDERWARE!)
• Not stopping to rest when tired (If I close my eyes every now and then it is just like sleeping)
• Inability to choose from a diner menu (I ordered GRITS! WTF!)
• Failing to recognize a stop sign or signal (Oh, those don't count)
• Not putting the kickstand down (OMG! IT JUST FELL OVER!)
• Failing to put feet down when stopping (Unh, I can't be bothered)
• Failing to ‘go’ when light changes (Hey, whats up? How you doing, Huh OH CRAP!)
• Inability to calculate purchase amounts ( I owe WHAT?!)
• etc....

Wha-ta-Hell? some of you are saying.... I do this stuff already! Well JOIN THE CROWD and take a DANG DAY OFF! You are working WAY TOO HARD!

What they are leaving out is stuff like...

• Choosing to travel in too tight pants.
• Not parking in the shade and burning your butt.
• Locking your scooters keys in the top case.
• Thinking your scooter won't start because it is broken, only to realize that your kickstand is still down. (Scooter won't start unless the kickstand is completely up NOOB!)

This just means that taking a scooter trip is a little different. You can't chat, take naps or relax and look out the window, enjoy your air conditioning, text your friends, or put on make up. You actually have to concentrate and use your brain.

So take it easy, take plenty of stops. Drink some non-alcoholic liquids, have some food and you should be fine.

Segway Centaur - New Concept

I am not too sure what market the folks are Segway are aiming at; high-tech hillbillies, rich Nascar tailgaters?

Suffice to say, the first segway concept, DID NOT revolutionize the transportation world like they had hoped.

This one looks like one funky ATV, but with some extreme capabilities. I am not sure how useful it is, it sure looks like fun but it is seriously lacking storage. ( THAT's A JOKE!)

Honestly, it has wayyyy more screwing around capabilities a skateboard or bike. I can just see gangs of these things, careening though parking lots, being chased by security guards on Segways. PERFECT! This is what these people had planned all ALONG! It's a conspiracy!

But I am never against new technology when the potential has not been investigated, so we will wait and see where this concept takes Segway.

But I need a scooter to take me to the mall, not inside and up the escalator.

Take a Little Trip, Take a Little Trip...

You will find that taking the back roads makes for a more enjoyable ride.

We took a small day trip to Starved Rock Illinois. Taking the back roads is possibly the best way to ride. You will find that these side roads can be just as fast as the highways, with very little traffic and far more scenic. Make sure to gas-up at every available stop, because gas stations can be few and far between and scooters have small tanks.

First rule: TAKE IT EASY and SLOW DOWN! The best part of the trip is the journey. Plenty of stops, taking photos and stretching your legs is REQUIRED. Why are you in such a rush NOOB! Enjoy the ride!

Does my scooter have a fat a$$?

Second rule: Take lots of photos. Every scooterist knows that a trip, well documented with plenty of photos of your scooter set against scenic backdrops is required for posting and internet bragging. In fact go crazy and stop at every single stupid roadside attraction because that is what a vacation is about!

Bonus shot: Heaping plates of greasy foods provided by local dives is a big plus. Scooterists love a good heavy meal before and after a long day of riding. Obviously I have none of these shots because I eat like a wee baby bird, dining only on sticks and an occasional twig.

Do I look 48? Riding a scooter keeps you young and fit... It's TRUE!

Third rule: Packing for the trip. You will be amazed at how much crap your scooter can hold. Pack your top case with the items you will need to have quick access too on your ride. A liter of water or juice along with some plastic cups, food and rain gear is good.

Bungees are AWESOME: Bungees and scooters go together like Zombies and the Apocalypse. Bungee your backpack to your seat and keep the rest of your clothes in there inside a plastic bag in case of rain.

Clothes to pack: Shorts, Jeans, T-shirts, sweat shirts, SWIM SUITS are a must, because anytime you can stop and swim it is recommended. Nothing washes the rigor of the road off a scooterist like an extra hot, over chlorinated jacuzzi.

A swim suit top like a tank top, is also excellent for keeping cool. Keep a wet bathing suit top on under your armored jacket. The wind and the evaporation will keep you cool and refreshed when it is super hot.

A must for the ladies: Your own shampoo and conditioner. Hotels and Motels rarely have decent quality toiletries. In fact they SUCK. So pack your own if you don't want to look like a total RAT BAG.

A must for the guys: NOTHING! MEN DON'T NEED CRAP. HALF THE TIME THEY DON'T EVEN BRING THEIR TOOTH BRUSH AND THEN THEY WANT TO USE YOURS! So make sure your man has a small bag with underwear, socks, and a TOOTH BRUSH.

Park in the shade if you don't want to burn your a$$.

Okay - the whole thing is for your to enjoy yourself. Stop and see EVERYTHING you can. Please take your time and don't be in a rush. You have 8 hours a day to get from A to B. If you are riding with a SPEED DEMON who thinks everything is a big RUSH, just do what I do, and pull over and do your own thing. They will miss you soon enough and turn around to find you.

HAVE FUN!

It's Here, It's Gear, Get Used to IT!

ATGATT: All the gear, all the time. Helmet, Armored Jacket, Armored Pants, Boots and Gloves.

You WILL WEAR IT NOOB!

Okay - if you want to ride, you must wear MOST of this gear. I can't make you use common sense all the time, it hurts too much. So this is what I recommend.

Helmets

1. Full Face Helmet: A full face helmet covers your entire face and makes you look like a Power Ranger. Must be DOT or SNELL approved. Number 1 Choice.

2. 3/4 Helmet: No chin guard and you look like the Great Gazoo. No chin guard = maxillofacial surgery.

3. Half shell / Dome / Skull Cap / Beanie: What are you kidding me NOOB! Go ahead, scrape your face off on the pavement, you will look sooooo cool while doing it! Not to mention the wind, bugs and odd rock or pebble slamming into your face going at 55 mph! It's like a bullet!

Armored Jackets - rated by using Illinois weather as a standard.

I have 4 jackets so far. Different jackets for different weather. Here are my personal choices:

GoGo Gear Trench Coat: This is the military/dominatrix coat I am wearing in the photo. I love this coat. Designed by women for women, this coat has the armor and the extra features that make it a must for riding. - see extensive review.

When to wear - Early Spring, Fall.

Fit - Excellent

Form - Flexible

Style - Military/fashionable

Function - Great! Well armored, elastic inner wind cuff, double breasted with reflective lining.

Harley Davidson Ladies Cream Jacket: HD has been making quality riding gear for years. And you cannot argue with that.

When to wear - Spring, Summer, Fall.

Fit - Excellent

Form - Flexible

Style - biker / cheesy

Function - Good Well armored, light, flexible.

Joe Rocket:

When to wear - Spring, Fall.

Fit - Not the best

Form - stiff

Style - power ranger / cheesy

Function - Okay, well lined, not too flexible.

Corazzo:

When to wear - Spring, Fall.

Fit - Not the best

Form - stiff

Style - pure scooterist / cheesy

Function - okay, well lined, not too flexible.

Boots:

Must be over the ankle. Cannot say enough about that. When bikes get dropped ankles get broken. Protect them!

Pink Sketcher Hiking Boots: These are sooooo old. I have had them for over 10 years and the wear is still hardly noticeable, well on the soles at least. Very sturdy good solid soles so that when your flat foot it, you feel very stable.

Harley Davidson Boots: I have two pairs, ankle high, and knee high. Both good sturdy boots.

Gloves:

Must be armored. Leather is okay, armored is better.

Armored Pants:

I have not purchased these as of yet. Which is not good since the statistics show that most bike injuries happen to the legs, hips and pelvis.

The analysis of the NTDB-NSP showed that lower-extremity injuries were the most common injuries sustained in motorcycle crashes, followed by upper-extremity and head injuries. Lower-extremity injuries are more frequent in motorcycle crashes; however, head, chest and abdominal injuries tend to be more severe. Motorcyclists involved in crashes sustain more leg injuries with bone fractures being the most common type of injuries when compared to soft tissue injuries. Overall, an estimated 81 percent of motorcyclists with isolated lower-extremity injuries were discharged home after acute hospital care.

STILL WANT TO RIDE????

Draggin' Jeans have been recommended, but I have no opinions on armored pants.

RIDING with the PATRIOT GUARD or SCOOTER NATION, REPRESENT!

Wherein our heroine joins the Illinois Patriot Guard and Operation Welcome You Home in an effort to expand horizons while representing the SCOOTER NATION.

Chances are, no matter what state you are in, you will have a version of Patriot Guard Riders. These groups are a collection of motorcycle riders who show up for funerals and welcome-home events for our military. They create flag lines and typically parade the returning soldier through town. Very fun, as long as it is not a funeral. Then you will be boo-hooing the entire time, TRUST ME!

I am not a typical gung-ho military supporter but I do try to show my support to the best of my capabilities. Going to these rides has been the most visibly patriotic thing I have ever done.

Anyway, all you have to do is to go to the PG or WYH website and click on their calenders to find an event that you can attend.

This is what you do:

1. Ride your scooter to the "staging area", which is typically some sort of parking lot. If it is summer bring water or something to drink because it gets HOT out there.

2. Be prepared to be in the midst of many, many flag-festooned motorcycles and plenty of bikers. They WEAR A LOT OF BLACK, with almost everyone in a black vest covered with military patches. (BTW anyone can get these vests and stick patches on it, you don't have to be n the military to wear that stuff.) Very little ATGATT, and few full face helmets. Time to MINGLE! Just be open and go up to people and and start talking. REMEMBER, YOU ARE THERE TO REPRESENT THE SCOOTER NATION! DO US PROUD!

3. An organizer will show up and talk to the crowd.

4. Then they hand out flags and everyone makes a flag line.

5. The soldier and the family will arrive, (typically much later or earlier than expected and they usually drive into the parking lot from the wrong direction.)

6. Then they will drive down the flag line and get out of the car as everyone hoots and hollers. Let me tell you, it is pretty emotional. Don't ask me why, I DON'T KNOW.

(I was there once when an old soldier from the Vietnam era was in the parking lot with his wife. They had seen the flag line of bikers forming so they came over to see what was up.

They stayed and got in the line. This bearded old man who could barely stand, hauling an oxygen tank. He and his wife held one of the flags. They stood with tears in their eyes.

"No one ever did anything like this for me when I came back," the old vet gasped to me as he wiped at his tear streamed face.

"Unh!" That did it for me... I am now forever officially verklempt.)

7. Everyone greets the arriving soldier and gives him/her a hug and says, "Thanks".

I am not a real, "huggy" person, ( AMAZING I know!). But I thought about all those women in other countries, oppressed, denied, tortured and imprisoned, and here I am riding a scooter and doing what I want... well, then it is pretty easy to say, "Thanks".

8. Then we hand back the flags and hop on our rides and form a parade line.

This is the FUN part. You just merge into double lines with everyone and start rolling. Flags are waving and horns are going off, and emergency lights are flashing. We get a police escort and we get to ride through stop lights and stop signs. People wave and beep their horns and it is just plain COOL!

9. Everyone arrives at a VFW hall or a home. Park and dismount. There are speeches and stuff and then it is over. Yep, that is usually it. So get back on your scooter and get the heck out of there! Or try to stay a bit and mingle. It is up to you.

This has been a lot of fun for me this summer and I have met some nice people and had some challenging rides just to get to the staging areas. Next project: How to make and attach a flag pole to your scooter for parades.

Painting Your TOP CASE - Scooter Craft Project

Okay - So I wanted a top case to match my Blue Dragon BV500 custom painted scooter. Having drained my wallet on the paint job, I couldn't get the top case painted by Mark Daniels of psychoticair.com. So my BF went online and got me a Piaggio Top Case on Ebay for about $100.00

The only problem is the top case was red and my scooter is blue...

Thus began the project. For everyone out there who are not afraid of a little elbow grease, this is worth it.

1. Purchase wet sand paper in various grit from Pep Boys. I got 1000 and 2000. So I was being careful. Sand down original paint and scratches.

2. Mask with paint tape and newspaper and begin to prime with plastic primer. You will also keep lightly sanding during this process to keep the finish as smooth as possible.

3. Purchase expensive Piaggio Midnight Blue paint from ebay for $18.95 + 9.95 shipping per tiny tiny can. Use up an entire can and not cover crap.

4. Get pissed and go back to Pep Boys and buy a can of SUV midnight blue detail paint for $6.95. Cover entire top case with 2 - 3 cans. Hey it matches!

5. Make a stencil using your computer or hand draw a design or trace tattoo art from a book or use a coloring book or a comic book. Anything can be traced.

6. Using a light table, trace stencil onto a sheet of vinyl with adhesive backing from Dick Blick or art supply store. If you do not have a light table, tape your stencil and vinyl to a window in your house and trace design onto vinyl that way. Using an exacto knife, cut out stencil.

7. CAREFULLY position your vinyl stencil into place. Be prepared to pull this vinyl up and down and reposition. You can also break the stencil into pieces and stick them down that way. Just cover up the splits with blue painters tape.

8. Okay, mask with tape and newspaper. Try to make sure your stencils edges are down and flat! It will bubble a bit but you just want the stencil edges to hold.

9. Purchase at least 3 other paint colors to add depth to your design. I got a mid-range blue, a light blue and a silver.

10. Spray in design. Try to do this in your garage or away from dust or dog hair. GOOD LUCK! They say to use a water spray and wet down the air in the area where you are going to spray first, to drag the dust and debris out of the air before you spray.

11. Spray mid-range color first in streaks. I did up and down stripes. Then the lighter blue, then the silver. I also went back through with the midnight blue to as a bit of roughness and to fade the design back into the blue, so it wasn't so "out there".

12. Remove vinyl and begin to cuss about how bad you placed the graphics. SO REMEMBER, Be super careful in your placement! Make sure you have a good margin around your design and your image is as centered as possible.

13. Okay, say, "Ffffforget it" and start spraying your clear coat. Be prepared to use at least 3 cans, stink up your house and garage and wait for 3-4 days. Also scream every time a piece of dust lands in your clear coat. Notice how the color changes as you add the clear coat. Rationalize it is not that bad and continue.

14. Get long-suffering BF to install top case as you wonder if you need ever more clear coat and make him crazy.

15. Stand back, shrug and say, "Ehh," It's okay..."That'll do".

PS. Sorry I don't have a good range of photos. My camera kept failing and acting weird through out the dang project! Enjoy my insanity!