Foot Porn... is it wrong?

I like 'em THICK and CHUNKY! 

Are your old riding boots beat?

As they as flat and lifeless as Lindsey Lohan's career?

Instead of skipping off your scooter like Ginger Rogers, (who?) do you lumber off like Nancy Grace in DWTS?

Here is a product that can reinvigorate those tired old gun boats with 

a Dansko shoe and The Walking Company's shoe insert. 

My Harley Davidson boots and old pink sketchers are my riding boots of choice. (I like a BIG, THICK and CLUNKY flat sole for better flat-footing stops when riding my Bad A$$ Scooter.)

However they have seen better days and I was about to put them out of their misery. Being the cheap Bastage that I am, I went off to Payless Shoes for their spectacular BOGO event!!!

But I came up empty handed... no cheap shoes/boots to be found.

I strolled about the mall in a wee funk until I happened on The Walking Company.

They had loads of FAT CLUNKY shoes that I prefer...(being a mutant and all) So I went in. 

A hipster sales gal tried to convince me to try their exciting state-of-the-art computerized foot scan for a true orgasmic shoe buying experience.

"Rrrrrrrright, sounds great. What do I have to do?"

"Just take off your shoes and stand on that pad."

So I do. Instantly up on the screen, in front of the entire store, floats the image of my hot, sweaty feet, in a glowing cinemascope rainbow aura of foot porn.

"frrrreaky"

"I know," sez Mz. Hipster Sales Gal. "You are a 36, it's European sizing. Hang on"

And then she came at me with these UBER CLUNKY and SHINY SHOES.

"These are Dansko shoes... They are a clunky plasticky, ergo-powered, breast cancer fighting shoe designed to appeal to nerds at a cellular level."

"gulp"

"I put in our special shoe insert. Once you try it, you won't believe how comfortable they are. The combination of a Dansko breast cancer fighting, ergo-designed spine saving shoe with our insert is a rich and full experience that all women deserve."

So I slid my foot in

mmmmmm....nnnice "What is that I am feeling??"

"Oh that, that is an actual arch support." Hipster Sales Gal smirks. "You can also buy the inserts separately and put them into your old shoes."

Wait? REALLY!!! 

With a knowing smile, she slides the support insert into my old pink sketchers.

EVIL BITCH!

"Howww much"  I manage to stammer, as my hot little heels breath easy for the first time in 50 years.

"The shoes are $125.00, the inserts are $60.00"

"WHAT!!! are U KIDDING ME!"

"BUY THEM!!!!" scream my heels and arches.."WE WANTS them PRECIOUS!"

So I did. And they are really, really nice. Not only do the inserts breath life into my old Sketcher Hiking Boots, the Dansko shoes are super stable and I am now looking at their boots specifically for riding. Plus the soles are so BIG and THICK! mmmmm, yummy!